Things that should exist

Please invent these things

We live in a weird time of invention. Sure, a lot of new things are being created. However, it feels like the things people are inventing are at odds with what people actually want. It’s more about what the inventor wants to sell than what the population is craving.

Who was asking for this?

I know that there is the whole thing of revealed preference. Where like the people say they don’t want short form AI videos yet their screen time and habits reveal they actually do. But whatever, we should strive to invent beyond the cravings of our most base and hedonistic instincts and instead invent things that make the world cooler.

Seems like a big task. But don’t stress I have a bunch of ideas that you can go ahead and invent to make this better world. Most of them aren’t even tech either, so luddites rejoice, you too can participate in creating the future.

Without further ado, here is an extensive list of things that should exist:

Theater company for job simulation

Whether you are just about to graduate or are contemplating a career switch, chances are you don’t actually know what the day to day is like of that job you’re pursuing. What if there was a place you could go for the day that could simulate it so you could see if it’s really for you?

I remember being in college and me and my friends all wanted to go work in finance (I know, I know). We pictured ourselves analyzing markets, making bets, finding things no one knew about a company through our diligence and cunning. It is not actually like this.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there were theater groups that offered full day job simulations with realistic sets so you could sample what a 9-5 might feel like in a specific field before you actually hurl your life towards it? This should exist.

Overnight law for home purchasing

This is less an invention and more of a policy change. But you should be able to spend a night in a home before you buy it if you want to. Like an inspection is such a quick walk-through to see if the outlets work and stuff. That’s not enough when you are spending like pretty much all your money on something. What if it makes weird creaks in the night? What if when you flush the toilet it makes the sink water scalding hot? What if it is right by a school that gets really loud at recess? I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you should be legally entitled to one sleepover before you close.

A pain and pleasure mannequin

Alright so hear me out. You know how people say that biting off a finger is as easy as biting through a baby carrot? But like how could you test that without seriously injuring yourself or a friend? Or are you ever curious how much you would hurt someone if you punched them as hard as you could in the face but also you never actually want to punch someone in the face? Well the solution is: a realistic life sized mannequin that can measure pain.

But why must it measure pleasure as well? A good way to get good at massages and… other stuff. What if you had something you could practice on that gave you unbiased measurement on how good the things you were doing actually felt? A lot more throat goats in the world, I’ll tell you that much and also a lot less guys fumbling around having no idea what they’re doing.

Tours of places that are off limits through reproductions

A lot of these are starting to sound like Nathan Fielder bits. But you know how people used to (maybe they still do) think it was cool to go to wax museums and experience a simulacrum of meeting a celebrity? They could take a selfie with a weird cadaver-like version of Leonardo Dicaprio or whatever? What if we had something like that but for places? You could go and walk around an exact replica of the Queens bedroom or Osama Bin Laden’s hideout or whatever. Could be cool. The popularity of Arch Digest tours show that there is clearly a demand for seeing the inside of celebrity homes. Let’s take this to the next level and let you walk around inside but without bothering the celebrity.

VR for committing crimes

I don’t want to rob a bank or kidnap a child. But I am curious if I could get away with it. Don’t you wonder if you could have pulled off the Louvre heist? There should be a VR thing where you can attempt crimes and see if you would get caught. Might also work for getting it out of their system for some people who are inclined to do a crime. The downside to this, is people would obviously use it for practice and we may end up getting a generation of perfect murders by people who have rehearsed it a million times through VR simulation.

Prison Camp

Sometimes prison sounds kind of nice. No phone. No laptop. Workout and read all day. You have a bunk mate to talk to all night. And I know what you’re thinking: why don’t you just go to a spa retreat? Lots of those have nice gyms and many even are going no tech (like the one in the latest White Lotus). Well the issue with that is that it’s too nice. You come back home and you’re like well this sucks. Imagine going on a retreat to somewhere that you get super in shape and read a lot and then also you are super happy to get home after. Nothing can match that feeling of getting released from prison, but this might be like a microdose of it. Also, I feel like this wouldn’t be that expensive since nothing at it needs to be nice. In fact, that’s kind of the whole point.

Hybrid fruits

So there is already a pluot, which is a combination of a plum and an apricot. Why aren’t we combining more fruits to make tasty little freaks? Anyone who has ever had a smoothie in their life knows that a strawberry and banana combine really well. Lets make a fruit that’s that. I think there are lots of fun things we could make using CRISPR or something. New shapes too. It would be a little bit laughing in the face of god, but to be honest so are like Pomskis and Toy Australian Shepherds and we like those.

Air Umbrella

Umbrellas are so dumb. Real 5-year-old idea of how to stay dry. It’s like “what if we attached a little roof to a stick and you carried it around everywhere so you always had a roof over your head?” Yeah, this makes sense if you have never been on a busy sidewalk or had to walk indoors or experienced wind. Umbrellas are constantly poking people, getting turned inside out, just generally unwieldy. We should have something new by now.

My idea is for an air cannon that shoots up a little mushroom cloud of air above you. I picture this device looking similar to a lightsaber handle or maybe like a tall mug. The air shooting upward would push away the water falling towards your head. Nothing to turn inside out, nothing to poke anyones eye. See my diagram above, it should answer all your questions. This is the future my friends. Look at the smile on that guy I drew.

Bars for old people

It seems like boomers are the new iPad kids. I think this is because we don’t give them much other option. Nightlife and being out in general is so targeted towards the youth. And look, I get it. You want to own a bar you want it to be young hot people making out or whatever. But here’s the thing, bars are starting to struggle because Gen Z doesn’t drink. The solution is we pivot to more pubs. No music, because my parents don’t like loud music. TVs playing CNN or Fox News. Bright lighting. Warm atmosphere. This is where the money is. Get the old people out of the house and hanging out with each other so they aren’t sending their kids AI reels all day. Ever been to The Surprise in Chelsea (London not NYC)? That’s the vibe.

Museum to try different power tools

Ever wanted to try a jackhammer? Or operate a wrecking ball? There should be a safe place to live that dream out. I don’t want to actually do construction, but the machinery seems like fun. They should let me try it somewhere. I would pay. I think a lot of people would. I’ll wear the little hat and everything.

15-minutes of fame for sale

About 11 years ago, outside my apartment at the time, there was a small fleet of black cars and a handful of paparazzi causing a big ruckus with flashes going off constantly. A few 22 year old girls were ushered out of my building into the cars past the photographers and whisked away. I asked my doorman what the deal was. I didn’t live in the kind of building that would house anyone important. He informed me that it was a girls birthday party and this was a service her dad got her and her friends where you basically get to cosplay as a famous person going around New York. It provides drivers and fake paparazzi and maybe a fake fan asking for an autograph or something. Super fun and clever service.

What I want is a little harder to pull off though. I want to go on stage to thousands of screaming fans and have them hang on my every word. Like be a rockstar for a few minutes. I think this could be offered in countries where labor costs are less. Like if we can pay thousand of people to participate in click farms or categorize images for AI companies, I think its possible to fill a small arena with screaming “fans” for a reasonable price for a tourist? I just don’t have any talents that would land me on a stage at least not in any capacity where people would be excited about it, so I want to experience this once in my life. Seems like the ultimate mid-life crisis gift for a dad that was in a band in high school.

Theranos for food

I know Theranos ended up being kind of fake. Like that’s what its most famous for. But if you recall, the idea was that you could take a small prick of blood and it would tell you what diseases you had and maybe what ones you were at risk for. Amazing product if it worked. But what if we had that for food? So you could take a small teaspoon of food and put it in a little device and it could tell you all the ingredients? It would tell you all the spices you were tasting so you could make something similar yourself. I am so bad at identifying the flavors Im tasting so this would be helpful. I think those people who are obsessed with like seed oils and stuff would also enjoy this.

AI microwave

Microwaves are one of the best inventions ever. It’s miraculous what they are capable of. But they have remained pretty unchanged since they came about. Like oh, there is a popcorn button now? Great.

My concept is for a microwave that can identify the ingredients of the food that is inside it and only heat up the right things. So like you put a sandwich in there, it puts out some waves to measure ingredient density or uses AI image identification or whatever to parse out which things should stay cold and which should be heated. SO your turkey and bacon get heated but the tomatoes and lettuce remain untouched by the heat ray. Would be huge. Heat up a burrito and the sour cream stays cool? Thats the world I want to live in.

Sample wigs for hair cutters

This is possible with today’s technology but probably just too expensive to be worth the problem it solves. But what if haircutters had wigs you could put on so they could try stuff on the wig first to see if you liked it and that way you could perfect the haircut before they do it on you. You go in and are like “I want a bob” and then they do it on you wearing a wig and you’re like “nevermind, I dont have the face for this” no harm no foul.

Okay, I’m running out of ideas here. This should be enough to keep the patent office busy for awhile. Since I took the time to come up with these I think its only fair that you, my loyal readers, make them into reality. So go forth and prosper. Let me know when you’re done and I will be happy to be your first customer.

Love you! Good bye!

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