Twelve and a half fun bits to try

aka things that won’t be funny to anyone else.

A “bit” is sort of like a joke but different in one very crucial way. While a joke is intended to entertain an audience, a bit is something you do just to entertain yourself. It is irrelevant whether or not anyone else finds it funny. In fact it’s most likely that those around you will find these annoying.

It’s also different than a prank. With a prank, the goal is to make a fool of someone else. With a bit its just to create an amusing situation. Again, amusing to yourself.

In some ways you could think of bits as a kind of self care. If pleasuring yourself and pampering yourself are self care, then humoring yourself should be too, right?

I was hesitant to give away my bits. It feels like I am revealing too much of myself. That exposing them to the daylight — like an undeveloped roll of film — will render them unable to be used again. But whatever, I will just have to retire these and come up with new ones. Without further adieu, here are my favorite bits I do (way too much):

1. The High School Nickname

This is a pretty well known one, sort of in the “dad joke” category. but its way funnier the more serious you play it. No smirk or looking around for giggles. Just completely earnest. Also the more sexual the thing you are referring to the funnier.

”oh my god. Wow. This is so crazy. This was my nickname all through high school.”

As you point to the menu item that says “Sausage Lover Supreme”

2. And I’m always saying that.

This one you use when someone you are with says something way out of left field. Something that makes no sense at all or is completely insane. Rather than reacting with a “Excuse me… what?!” you just nod knowingly and maybe point to them in agreement and calmly say “I am always saying that” or “That’s what I always say.”

3. I’m looking for a place that…

So this one you use when you are out walking around and you see a store that does something super specific. Like say you walk by a store that has a sign that says they do same day wedding dress dry cleaning. You have to see it before your friend does. And you go “Oh wait, while were out I have to find a place that can dry clean wedding dresses, like preferably same day. I totally forgot so just keep an eye out, its really important.” and then they are like “what?” and then they turn around and see the signage. They roll their eyes. You smirk to yourself. Bit executed.

4. Whats a…

Really simple one. But you have to play it so sincerely. When someone is telling you a story you pretend to not know what a very common thing is. So like pretend they are telling a story where they had to pile into the back of a pickup truck and go over a bumpy road or something. You hit them with the “wait, so sorry to interrupt, but whats a pickup truck?” and then try earnestly to get them to explain it to you. “So its like a convertible? Sorry I don’t think we had these where I grew up” “Okay, so like just a convertible in the back? But its a car?” “Is there another name for these? I’ve never heard anyone call it that” Like to the point where they are questioning if thats even what they are called. I think this is what gaslighting might be.

5. This and that

I stole this one from the current season of White Lotus. For background, I think asking people what they do for work is super boring and gauche. So I always try and avoid the question so we can talk about more interesting things. I like this one because it makes you mysterious and maybe like you do crime. So when someone asks what you do for work you just smirk coyly and say “oh.. this and that…” and don’t elaborate at all.

6. Winking

Winking at inappropriate times. Pretty simple. This is easy too because most times are inappropriate to wink. So just pretty much any time someone does anything, the less you know them the better. Smile knowingly and wink at them.

7. Barthelona / Ibitha

This is where you way over-pronounce foreign words. Names of countries or foods or whatever. The more you butcher it the better. You can be at the bakery and say “Hey, could I get an iced coffee with oatmilk and a kwusson (croissant) to go?” or maybe in a more serious discussion “Yeah, its really crazy the whole Zelensky and Oykrainyuh (Ukraine) situation” you can’t hesitate though, gotta power right through without missing a beat.

8. Movie story

You tell a story as a personal anecdote but slowly over time it becomes clear that you are just telling the plot to a well known movie. For example:

“Yeah, my friend Lucas, but he goes by Luke, was raised by his aunt and uncle in like this hut in the desert. He would just pass the time shooting rodents that came around and eventually became a really good shot. But when he grew up he got recruited to join like this terrorist organization by this guy Ben. I guess it was more like rebels than terrorists. But they were super against the dictatorship that was in place in his country. Anyways, he didn’t realize it but like the other rebel who was like a princess kind of was his sister. But since he didn’t know his family he had this huge crush on her. But they hatched this plan to do this like big attack on the government headquarters, and since he was so good at shooting rodents he was chosen to lead it. But eventually he met the guy who was the dictator and found out the guy was his dad! His dad’s name was Darth Vader and he had to kill him”

The longer and more detailed the better but you have to obfuscate it enough that they can’t tell until the very end.

9. Is that my phone number?

This is another one that falls in the dad joke category. But when you get the bill for something or the price pops up at the register you act shocked and go “Wait! Is that the price or is that my phone number?!” as if the price is so high it could be confused with a phone number. This is double funny because it implies you can’t recognize your own phone number. This works best if the price is like $12.47 or something that is not high and could not be reasonably confused for a phone number.

10. I’m taken

When a stranger says anything to you. Anything at all. You say “I’m flattered, I really am, but I’m taken.” then you hold up your left hand and point to your ring finger. It doesn’t matter whether or not there is a ring on it.

11. Cameo

This is maybe my favorite one, and I came up with it, which I am really proud of. Whenever you are in like an airport lounge or any kind of waiting area you start filming yourself on the selfie camera and act like you are recording cameos for fans. Makes everyone think you are famous (or a fool). You do it like this:

”Hey! This is a shoutout to Abby. Heard you are a huge fan and also that you have a big birthday this week. Your husband was kind enough to get this cameo for me and told me that you guys are going to Disney to celebrate. I hope you have the best time and I hope on the way over you guys get a chance to listen to my new album that drops this week. I think you’re gunna love it. Spotify, Apple Music, whatever. Hope you have a good one Abby and hope to see you on my tour!”

then put down the phone take a few breaths and start recording yourself again.

“Whatup Brett! Your coworkers told me to that you just got a BIG TIME promotion and that maybe you play my stuff a bit too much in the break room! Always happy to see one of my fans crushing it and climbing that corporate ladder! I have some new stuff dropping soon, make sure to check it out in your new corner office! Maybe with headphones in this time ha ha!”

put down phone. Take a few breaths. Repeat ad nauseam until your flight.

12. Bill Clinton died

I do this one way too much to my mom. When you are playing on your phone you all of a sudden gasp and look up with a super sullen and serious face and go “Bill Clinton died.” like you just read it off your phone. It’s believable because he’s super old. They will then check and realize you were lying. But then you do it again a few weeks later after they forget about the incident. Keep doing it. See how many times you can convince them. Even if for a second.

Well… thats most of my bits. Use them wisely. Or maybe they aren’t funny to you, as is the nature of bits. But I will keep doing them because they are funny to me.

Bonus Bit:

So this is a bit my friend Justin (Trudeau) does that I do not how to do but I would like to learn. He basically just hurls himself down stairs, which he learned how to do in a way that doesn’t hurt himself but looks completely accidental and discombobulated. He will do it at parties and stuff. Its an all time bit. Here is a video of him doing it.