How to flex on everyone.

People are doing it wrong.

Flexing, as an act, has been around forever. However it only recently started getting called that. The term really hit the mainstream with the “weird flex, but ok” meme in 2017. But for those of you who are living under a rock and picturing Arnold’s biceps right now, a flex is a display of wealth. Some kind of performance to show that you are comfortable (or beyond) financially.

Flexing has evolved over time. Back in 1550s Europe the ultimate flex was having pineapples on display in your home. They were a delicacy that had to be shipped from the Caribbean and could cost upwards of $8k each. People would sometimes even rent them for parties, the 16th century version of the guy in Miami who shells out for a Lambo for a few hours to go hit on girls.

Fast forward to the 1990s and early 2000s and flexing was fancy watches and expensive cars. Sometimes the implication of money through material things wasn’t enough and people would show off stacks of literal cash. Sometimes they would pretend that cash was a phone.

Then along came social media, giving everyday people a platform to more widely distribute themselves and flexing wasn’t just for rappers anymore. Everyday people were now “flexing on the ‘gram”. Posting a picture of themself flying first class or with your tanned legs overlooking a beach asking your followers if they were “hotdogs or legs”. It would become common for a group of girls to make sure all their Chanel bags were up and displayed on the brunch table before the photo could be taken. Flexing online wasn’t just a female thing either. Posing in front of supercars (whether they belonged to you or not was irrelevant) became pervasive for guys with their shirts tucked into their Hermes belts and haircuts where the sides are shorter than the top.

Then in the 2020s all of a sudden it felt like everyone learned the meaning of the word crass at the same time. Or maybe the show Succession came out and people realized that those who actually have extreme financial security don’t show it like that.

For a show about a “new money” family it seemed to usher in an era of obsession with “old money aesthetic”. The new names of the games for flexing were “stealth wealth” and “quiet luxury”. Somehow still missing the point, or maybe this just speaks to pervasiveness of consumerism, these became objects you could buy. The Row, Brunello Cucinelli, and Loro Piana. Luxury brands that didn’t have noticeable logos became the new flex. But it seemed like popular culture had gotten so close to understanding the right way to flex and just missed it in favor of slightly less branded versions of the same way they were always flexing.

So, why should I write about how to flex? Isn’t in an embarrassing thing resderved for desperate strivers and wannabes? Whats the value in it?

I think if you look at what I covered above (sans the pineapple thing) then yes. These flexes are actions that are taken to try and communicate wealth that, ironically, in their attempts actually do the opposite.

But if you look around, you will notice that good things happen to people who are already living good lives. After seeing this, you might come to the conclusion that its not such a bad idea to communicate to the world that you’re already living a good life. But I’m here to tell you that the ways you do this are not by flaunting.

The real ways to flex are to act like someone who lives the way you are hoping to live and oftentimes this in turn may just be the thing that makes you act like a good person. So, if you’re still with me… here is my guide on how to flex:

Don’t be nosey.
If you are secure in your own happiness and success you don’t need to probe and mine information out of others. Do not try and find out how much money others have or how successful they are in their careers or the socioeconomics of their family or how much their house cost. If you’re all good, why should you care?

In that same vein…

Be mysterious

The better your life is, the more private it should be. Let people wonder. I wrote a lot more about this in another post.

Don’t one-up.
If someone is telling a story about how they got upgraded to business class, it’s not the time to talk about your experiences in PJs. Your luxury experiences are intrinsically enjoyable, the enjoyment shouldn’t need to come from others knowing about them and envying them.

Be trusting.
People who are living a good life are surrounded by people they trust. Do not be suspicious of those around you. Make people aware you trust them in small ways. When you want to show them something on your phone, hand it to them. Do not split every expense with them, let them know that you trust they will get you back on something in the future. No venmo request, is a big flex. Not because it shows you can afford to cover, but because it shows you can afford to trust.

Be eccentric
Ironically there are few things more embarrassing than trying hard to fit in. A general theme to flexing is projecting comfort. Be comfortable in your own skin and with your own peculiarities. Like what is more of a flex: being Salvador Dali or having the Solomon’s everyone has? Okay, maybe an extreme example but you get my point. It’s cool to not fit in and not care to fit in.

Help others.
No bigger flex than having your job title be philanthropist. Maybe combine it with not having a LinkedIn and *chefs kiss*. But even if you aren’t eradicating malaria with your foundation, there is a real implication of living a good life if you help others without any expectation of something in return.

That comes from a real place of power when you use the resources you have to the benefit others. There is a saying about crabs in a barrel that describes the difficulty of those in bad situations to make it out as their peers pull them down. Those in good situations should exemplify the opposite. Like hot air balloons in a barrel or something. Something that lifts.

I could go on, but you get the gist. The biggest flex and indicator of being secure is being a good person, liking yourself, and treating those around you well. Not to sound like a didactic children’s book but most of our worst traits and behaviors stem from insecurity and perceived lack. To act like someone who lacks nothing, which is what flexing is at its core, overpower those insecure urges you have and move about the world as if you need nothing from it.

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Note: This is an excerpt from a piece I wrote over a year ago. If you want to read the full thing in context here is the original newsletter it appeared in.

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