Guidelines for being a grown-up

how to be cool and polite

I’m always shocked at how casual everything has gotten. From how people dress to how people behave. Lots of (digital) ink has already been spilled on how my generation (millennials) are in a perpetual adolescence. And I’m not going to write on that because bemoaning things is not what my substack is about. But I thought it might be fun to put together a list of manners and guidelines for being an adult. It doesn’t mean you have to be serious all the time and talk about mortgage rates or anything. But I think if you follow these guidelines you will at least be doing your part in contributing to a better healthier society.

Some of these are manners. Which a lot of people think of as like when should you use a fork when eating asparagus and blue-blooded stuff like that. But I think manners are much more about making others around you feel comfortable. Like covering your mouth when you sneeze isn’t some WASPy country club invention to alienate “the poors” it’s a manner that is in place so you don’t get people around you wet.

And one last thing before I get into it. I want to give a big shoutout to the two pieces that greatly inspired this. First is Hanna Park’s modern day social etiquette you should live & die by and the second is GQ’s 125 Rules for Modern Gentlemen. Both are super fun.

Alright, let’s dive in.

On your phone

Phone etiquette is where I probably see the worst manners. It’s because smartphones are still relatively new and we never as a society really established good social guidelines around them. They came in too fast. Really this should be common sense, but it’s truly appalling how many times I experience such rudeness as a result of these little screens.

• Don’t pull out your phone mid-conversation. Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a group conversation. Just because you aren’t talking doesn’t mean you can go on your pocket computer.

• If you have to pull out your phone, acknowledge it. A simple, “sorry, I have to check something real quick” or “wait one second, this is an important email” goes a long way in letting the person you are physically with know they are still the priority.

• Don’t use your phone while walking. This is the pedestrian version of drinking and driving. Especially in the sense that when people think they are “good at it” what they really mean is that everyone around them has done a good job avoiding them when they do it. Pull to the side.

• When you’re IRL, keep it away. If you’re going to a dinner party or something and you are not expecting an important text or call. Leave your phone in a bag or a jacket pocket and hang said jacket on the coat rack. The more present you are the more everyone likes you. You don’t need your phone face up on the table.

• Send don’t show. If you come across something funny on your phone you want to show someone. Send it to them so they can laugh or not without you watching them. It sucks looking at a meme or god forbid a video while someone scans your face for the appropriate reaction.

At the bar

• Take orders. If you’re walking up to the bar to get yourself a drink, ask everyone you’re sitting with if you can get them something. You guys are a unit. The people you are drinking with are your family for the night. Take care of them.

• Buy a round. If everyone is having the same thing, don’t just buy yourself a drink, get a round. And then someone else in your group should get the next round. It will come out close to even in the end.

• Cheers! Don’t start drinking right when you get your first drink. Wait until your whole party has gotten their drinks and cheers with them before you take your first sip. Start the journey together.

At dinner

• Wait until everyone is served. This is common sense. You shouldn’t eat until everyone has their food. Even then, a little acknowledgement that everyone is ready to eat is nice such as “bon apetit!” or something. But whatever you do, don’t dig in right when your plate hits the table, no matter how hungry you are.

• Have a number where you don’t split. I am not going to tell you what this number should be because everyone’s economics are different. But you should have a number where if it’s under that amount you don’t split the bill with your friends. One of you just covers it and hope that it comes back around in other ways. You don’t need to be venmoing people for $18.

• Split evenly at group dinners. When it is above the number and you are doing venmos after (don’t hand the waiter 5 cards) then you should split it evenly. No tallying up who had a drink and who didn’t. Whatever the bill is you divide it by the number of people present. Keep it clean. No need to turn a fun night into a night of arithmetic.

• Strive for the biggest conversation possible. I love a dinner, ideally with a round table, where everyone is having one conversation. But this isn’t always possible. Sometimes tables are long rectangles. But you should strive for at least the biggest conversation possible. It really kills the vibe when you talk only to your best friend sitting next to you.

• Don’t clean with people over. If you are hosting the dinner, don’t start cleaning when guests are still over. It makes everyone uncomfortable. Are you kicking them out? Do you want them to help? Just wait until they leave. On the other side, it’s fun if you are still cooking when they arrive. You can even involve them a bit in this. “Hey could you grate this parmesan?” fun! We’re building something together!

• Pour everyone else’s water before your own. If your water is empty, look around to see if anyone else is running low and fill theirs up first. Small thing but goes a long way.

• She gets the booth. Let’s keep chivalry alive a little longer. If there is a chair and a booth, give the girl the booth.

• Pick a place. When someone asks you where you want to eat for dinner don’t come back to them with options thus placing the burden of choice back on them. Just pick one place. Be decisive.

At work

These are pretty specific to office jobs. I know some people’s jobs are like erotic dancer or famous painter and I’m sure they have different guidelines I am not privy to. If that’s you then skip this one I guess.

• Don’t get hung up on title. It’s so embarrassing when someone is like “I’m senior director of content management.” It’s all fake. Just say you do marketing and move on. You’re not big doggin anyone.

• Don’t bring your full self to work. Work self is a pared down version of yourself. Yes, it’s a bit repressive, but it’s the way it works. You can’t make the same jokes or share the same stories as you would in the real world.

• Don’t brag about being busy. This is so lame to do. “I am so busy. I am always working. I never have any time!” wahhh wahhh! That’s a you problem. How do you even want people to respond to this?

• Keep it to two drinks. I have never thought back on a company event and wished I had drank more than I did. Have two drinks, loosen up a bit. But even if three drinks won’t be enough for you to act crazy, it may be enough for you to say something you will wish you hadn’t.

Fashion

Fashion is always changing and I am not the menswear guy so I am not going to give super specific styling advice here. I am not the one to say whether your jeans should be skinny or baggy or when it’s appropriate to wear brown shoes. But I do think my tips here are pretty timeless and should apply no whatever your personal style is.

• Wear a watch. If you are older than 27 years old you should be able to tell someone the time without pulling out your phone. Ideally not a smartwatch either because that’s just a phone on your wrist. It doesn’t need to be fancy or anything. But you should have a real grown up watch that you know how to use.

• Don’t wear a backpack. You don’t have recess anymore. It’s time to find a slightly less convenient way to carry your things. If you get a grownup paycheck you should carry your things in a grownup bag. Save your backpack for the Appalachian trail.

• Don’t have a rectangle in your pocket. Something so sloppy to me about the super visible smartphone in the pocket. If it’s winter put it in your jacket pocket, if it’s summer then put it in whatever you just replaced your backpack with. The phone-print is truly the unsexy cousin of the sweatpants dickprint.

• Change out of your workout clothes. When did we get so casual? Why are you wearing athleisure all day? I know it’s comfortable but you are making the world less beautiful. Wear it to the gym but then after your workout you have approximately one hour to change into real clothes.

• You don’t need the latest technology for your workout. Unless you are competing at a pro level, you can workout in old t-shirts. Cut the sleeves off if you want. If where you workout is not a training facility then you don’t need to worry about the latest advances in sweat wicking technology. Nike Labs is working on breaking the 2 hour marathon not your inclined treadmill speed walk.

Miscellaneous

I couldn’t fit these into other categories.

• Have 2 or 3 topics you can speak deeply about to anyone. They shouldn’t be political and you should be able to talk to people who have no knowledge on these topics and make it interesting for them. This is part of being an interesting person. If you can’t do this then enjoy living in small talk city forever.

• Don’t bother celebrities. If you are older than say 24, you should leave famous people alone. Don’t go up and ask for a picture. Definitely don’t try and take a sneaky picture. Paparazzi only do it because it’s their job. Why would you do their job for free? Just text your friend that you saw John Hamm walking his dog and move on.

• You should have some neighborhood recs. If you have lived somewhere for over a year then you should have some recs ready to go. If someone asks you for a cute coffee shop or a restaurant that would be good to take their parents, you should be ready without having to pull up The Infatuation. You only need a few. I don’t think the expectation is to know where someone can get a good crab omelet or anything, but just the basics. It’s your neighborhood for god’s sake, act like it.

• Don’t give them the tour of your life. If someone is visiting and you are showing them around, keep your audience in mind. I am super bad about this. I was showing around my friend who was visiting the other day and pointed out “that used to be my gym, but I go to a new one now” and then realized what I was doing. They don’t need to see the curb where you saw someone throw up or the CVS that used to be a cool store.

• Don’t humble brag. Just brag. If you’re proud of something just be proud of it. The humble brag is super beta. It’s like the inverse of being passive aggressive. Own your accomplishments. If it’s not something you would feel comfortable bragging about then don’t backhandedly brag about it either.

• Bonus: Have a joke or two. Okay this isn’t absolutely required, but its pretty good to have some jokes in the back pocket. It’s a lost art. Usually involve a bar, a priest, a wife, etc. Meme’s kind of replaced jokes, but they really don’t translate well to in person conversation. Here is a joke you can use that is pretty harmless but people find funny:

That’s all I could think of. Thanks for reading. All the pictures are by Lucas Burtin. I hope you take these to heart and go out there and make the world a slightly better place for me and your friends to be in.

Also! I am starting an advice column. So anonymously send in your issues and gossip and conundrums here and I will solve them with a sharp wit and a kind heart in an upcoming newsletter.

Love ya!